Vrindaban life no more!

I realize that I haven't written anything here for a long time....it's not that there hasn't been anything to write about....because there has. The availability of the computer in our household was on a decline....and many other things going on as well..

Rafael and I took a vacation this past January to Thailand and Cambodia, and that was really beautiful...but it's so long in the past for me to write about it...and I just simply don't have time.

Rafael has been spending a lot of time away from Vrindavan, and as a result has been feeling really disconnected with the Dham, the Vaisnavas, and me as well...

This culminated in him one day telling me that he didn't want to live in India any longer...and that if I wanted I could stay in Vrindavan and he would continue to support me. I told him that I wanted to go with him because he is my husband....and we made a decision that we would move away together...probably to Changmai in North Thailand. If we moved then I would have to find a job, so I began to look into getting a job teaching English, and going for a TEFL certification course in Kolkata.

As time came closer to a business trip to China, he became increasingly angry, critical and negative towards me as well as India. Before he left he flat out told me "I don't love you anymore and I am unhappy with our marriage".

Boy, it was a huge shock to me, as we have always been best friends and and extremely close...but I asked him to please not make any decisions in his mind until we move away from India and change our situation...I figured that this would make a huge improvement in his feelings and attitude.

He left, and I left for the course in Kolkata. I was there a month, and only spoke with him once on the phone, although we were emailing each other regularly. I have to say that this was an incredibly difficult time in my life. Just prior to going for the course I was crying all the time. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. For the first time in my life I was experiencing panic attacks and nervousness. It seemed like all hope and good things in my life were just slipping through my fingers.

Then I went for the teaching course. In all honesty it was the best thing I could've done. First of all, it made me focus on something else. Secondly, I was suddenly put with many different types of people...and really broke me out of the vacuum of Vrindavan....thirdly I suddenly realized that the prospect of becoming a teacher was something that not only I could do...that I was good at....and most importantly I felt a direction and self worth in my life.

I got my certification and afterwards returned to Vrindavan for 4 days...and I spent this time with Rafael, who returned on the same day as me. We fought bitterly for the first two days, and then things took an unexpected turn...I started to understand how he was feeling, and felt sorry for him....at how desperately he felt he needed love....then we started dealing with each other in an entirely different manner.

He started treating me with affection and kindness like he used to....and we basically decided that the best thing for us would be to take some time away from each other and think things through. This would give him the time to think about what he really wants, and it will give me the time to work through some of my problems and issues as well...

I just got back from America, and a 2 week vacation with my family in Alaska, and met Rafael for one day in Delhi before he flew off to China to start his "new life" there. I wish him the best of luck and hope that he finds the kind of association that he needs to continue making positive progress in his life.

I, on the other hand took a job in Bangkok. I will be teaching Theater and Drama to little Thai kiddies. It is a one year position. I am really excited, but also nervous! It was really difficult to leave Vrindavan. On one hand the place is so upside down. Everything is dirty and disorganized. The roads are falling apart and the gutters overflowing with refuse and bathing pigs (it's really tough there in Rainy season!)...but when I see the Vaisnava saints walking around, living on another platform....experiencing Vrindavan in a much deeper and more profound way than I ever will....I deeply lament having to leave. When I hear the sound of the Bengali Kirtaniyas singing God's names so sweetly I cannot stop the tears from forming in my eyes and overflowing...

My friend Adwaita said that it's a really good sign that I don't want to leave...that it means that I will be back.

Let's see.

In the meantime...because I am not in Vrindavan anymore, it doesn't make much sense to post on this blog, which is supposed to be about my life in Vrindavan...so I will be continuing to write about what is going on in my life on this page: corichurdar.blogspot.com

Wish me luck!